our lovely mess: July 2011

Archive for July 2011

Home is Where the Heart is

My friend, Nichole, posted a note on facebook listing all the places she has moved to in her life. Like her, I have moved numerous times, so I decided to make my own list. I've also listed the ages I was at each location. I don't remember a whole lot from the first five places, so I will have to get my ages from my mom. But here is a glimpse into my nomadic life...

1. Mom/Dad's House on Hill St, West Monroe, LA.

2. Mom/Dad's Apartment in Dallas, TX.

3. Mom/Dad's House in Macon, GA.
4. Ma-maw's House, Eros, LA.
5. Mom's Trailer on Nora St, West Monroe, LA.

6. Uncle Buddy's Apartment in Denver, CO.

7. Dad's Apartment in Waco, TX. Age 4

8. Mom/Dad's Apartment in Waco, TX. Age 5
9. Grannie's House, Jersey St, West Monroe, LA. Age 5
10. Mom's Apartment in Waco, TX. Age 5
11. Mom/Dad's Trailer on Miller Rd, Monroe, LA. Age 6

12. Mom's Trailer - Twin Pines Trailer Park, Monroe, LA. Age 7

13. Mom's Trailer - NorthWood Mobile Home Park off Kiroli Rd, West Monroe, LA. Age 8

14. Dad's Duplex in Longview, TX. Age 8
15. In between Grannie's and Ma-maw's, West Monroe, LA - for the summer. Age 8

16. Dad's House in Longview, TX. Age 9
17. Mom's House on Mountain Rd, West Monroe, LA - for the summer. Age 9
18. Dad's House in Amarillo, TX. Age 10

19. Grannie's House, Jersey St, West Monroe, LA. Age 10
20. In between Grannie's and Ma-maw's, West Monroe, LA - for the summer. Age 10

21. Dad's Townhome, Sacramento, CA. Age 10

22. Dad's House on Sandpiper Cr, Lodi, CA. Age 11

23. Mom's Trailer in Lafayette, LA - for the summer. Age 11
24. Dad's House on Marlowe Ct, Stockton, CA. Age 12

25. In between Grannie's and Ma-maw's, West Monroe, LA - for the summer. Age 12
26. Dad's House on Blue Grass Dr, Stockton, CA. Age 13

27. Dad's House on Burnside Wy, Stockton, CA. Age 13
28. In between Grannie's and Ma-maw's, West Monroe, LA - for the summer. Age 13
29. Dad's House on Burnside Wy, Stockton, CA. Age 14

30. Dad's House on Omega Wy, Stockton, Ca. Age 14

31. Mom's House on HWY 546, Eros, LA - Currently the longest I've ever lived in one house! Ages 15, 16, 17

32. Dad's Apartment on Rosemarie Ln, Stockton, CA. Age 18

33. Dorm Room, Christian Life College, Stockton, CA. Age 18
34. Mom's House on HWY 546, Eros, LA - for the summer. Age 18

35. Dad's Apartment on Rosemarie Ln, Stockton, CA. Age 19
36. Mom's House on HWY 546, Eros, LA - for the summer. Age 19

37. Dad's House on Oakleaf Wy, Stockton, CA. Age 20
38. Mom's House on HWY 546, Eros, LA - for the summer. Age 20

39. Dorm Room, Christian Life College, Stockton, CA. Age 21
40. Mom's Trailer in Dubach, LA - for the summer. Age 21

41. Dorm Room, Chrisitan Life College, Stockton, CA. Age 22
42. Mom's Trailer in Dubach, LA - for the summer. Age 22

43. Grannie's House, Britton Rd, West Monroe, LA. Age 23
44. Dad's House on Lonnie Beck Wy, Stockton, CA - for two months. Age 23

45. House in Danderyd, Sweden - for a 3 month missions trip. Age 23
46. Grannie's House, House on Britton Rd, West Monroe, LA - for 3 months of wedding planning. Age 23

47. Robert's and my Apartment on Stratford Cr, Stockton, CA. Age 24

48. Robert's and my Apartment on President St, Wheaton, IL. Ages 25, 26
49. Robert's and my House on Draper Dr, Goodlettsville, TN. Age 27

50. Robert's and my Townhome on Ashburn Ct, Wheaton, IL. Age 28

51. Robert's and my current house in Aurora, IL - This Fall, this house will become the place I've lived the longest. Ages 29, 30, 31, and soon to be 32 :)

Making this list took much longer than I thought it would. Wow! I have moved quite a few times! I've lived in 7 states, 16 cities, and 37 houses. I've attended 5 elementary schools, 1 middle school, 2 high schools, and 2 colleges. Whew! I'm tired after all of that counting.

I'm sure I will have some editing to do once my mom reads over this, but I'm hoping I've got it all right.

Breathing Again

God made me the way he wants me. He wants to use me the way that I am. My personality. My life. My experiences. They may not be the way I want them to be, but they are the way, the path, the Lord has for me. The path that he has chosen me to walk.

I can find strength in that. If he wants me here, then he will give me the strength and the ability to walk this road. I can't do it without him!

At church on Sunday, we sang the song "Our God is Greater." I felt the Lord telling me, reminding me, that he is in me and that he is greater than what I am facing and feeling right now. I can just let go and let him shoulder the burden. Yes, it hurts that he has allowed me to go through so much heartache in my 31 years. Yes, I wish he would have prevented some of my sufferings. But he is still greater than my sufferings. His ways are still better than my ways.

"God might kill me, but I have no other hope." Job 13:15

Sunday night, I told the Lord that I was ready to truly let go. To truly surrender. To quit trying to go through this process on my own just because I was disappointed in his path. Even if God's path seems to suck right now, it's still better than me trying to do my own thing. My way and my plan have been causing anxiety, fear, doubt, and a whole bunch of other crap that just binds me and takes me to a dark and barren place.

Letting go and trusting the Lord, even when it's hard and confusing, brings me to freedom. I no longer feel alone or heavy. I no longer feel like I am drowning. I finally feel like I can breathe again!

The song Fall Apart has been on mind the last couple of days. The line,"Our heartbreak brings us back to You," rocks me. When I hold on to my heartbreak, it smothers me, but when I let it go and trust God with it, my head comes above water and breath fills my lungs!

Back At It

I haven't been for a run in 6 months. Yes, you read that right. I ran a marathon last year, but I haven't run at all since January. Pitiful and pathetic.

But today, I ran. It felt so good. Finding the rhythm from my feet hitting the track. Feeling the air on my face. My heart beating out of my chest. Getting breathless from pushing myself so hard. And of course the feeling of jello in my legs when I'm done. Ahhh! It's great.

I ran/walked three 12:20 minute miles. Not my best time at all, but pretty good since I haven't been out there in 6 months. I'm satisfied with that. I know my time will improve in a few weeks. Who knows, I might even run another half marathon in September. We'll see... :)

Community

So I just read my devotional for today here at Proverbs 31 Ministries. It's a good one. You should go read it!

I just have to say that Robert and I are blessed to have great community surrounding us while in this particular trench. We have some amazing friends and mentors who listen to anything and everything we want to say. Even when we say things that are ugly and disappointing. We are surrounded by godly, wise, hopeful people who offer a comforting hand, a listening ear and an encouraging word.

Just this week, we have spent some quality time with our best friends, and we will also see our counselor, mentors, and some other friends in a similar situation. We have community. We are not alone. Thank God for his followers! They really are the greatest people you will every meet!

Strong Enough

Allow me to wallow in self pity for a moment...

4 weeks ago, I let up on my healthy eating habits. I have gained 4 LBS.

3 weeks ago, the headaches started, and I have had one EVERY DAY SINCE.

2 weeks ago, my face broke out as if I was 15 again. It is JUST NOW showing signs of stopping.

1 week ago, I had 4 canker sores in my mouth. One was HUGE. Thankfully Lysine and Kanka cleared those up in a few days.

Today, I have droopy, bloodshot eyes, a backache and tension in my shoulders. I took 2 Tylenol PM an hour and a half ago, and I still CAN'T SLEEP.

I am a mess.

I am stressed to the limit.

I am exhausted. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.

I want out, but I know I'm not going anywhere.

I've known that I'm not supermom, but I don't even feel like a good mom right now. To be brutally honest...I LOVE my kids, but I don't really enjoy being around them at the moment. I just can't find the energy to interact with them.

I have this sinking feeling that my Survival Mode is crossing over to the dark side. To the hole I experienced after my dad passed away. This feeling is unsettling.

But I also feel that the optimist in me is fighting to find her voice. To remind me of what I blogged earlier today. To remind me that I can get through this time in my life.

Somehow. Someway. My faith must win. Faith in the supernatural. Faith in the me that God sees. Faith in cliched but true scriptures like Philippians 4:13, Romans 5:3-4, 1Peter 1:6-8, Job 13:15-16.

Letting Go and Being Free

My devotional this morning was all about letting go of the things that hold us back, the things that are causing us trouble and keeping us from reaching God.

The author gives an example of a person holding onto a sinking ship instead of letting go and walking on the water to Jesus. Sort of like Peter when he began to sink in the raging sea while trying to reach the Lord (Matthew 14:22-33).

"So often, I find myself riding out the storm, clinging to the boat, when the truth is that Jesus is just an arm’s length away. He’s unperturbed by the waves, unshaken by the currents, waiting to help me conquer the storm, if only I’ll focus my eyes on Him instead of the ocean."

I've spent some time this morning thinking about the sinking boats and raging seas in my life right now. I have quite a few. I have fears about the work that the Lord is calling me to do. I doubt the person he is calling me to be. I have worries about where I am in my marriage.

I realize that these fears, doubts and worries are all sinking ships and raging seas. I am focusing on these fears and doubts rather than on the Lord who is reaching out for me. I am holding on to these worries rather than letting go and trusting God with my life.

In reality though, these things that I am refusing to let go of are taking me under. They are the things that I should be fearful of.

Then why is it so hard to truly let go of them?

Robert's devotional this morning talked about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and the fiery furnace (Daniel 3:14-27). The author points something out from this story that I have never noticed before.

"God was right there, taking the heat with them. The only thing they lost by turning their will and their lives over to him was the ropes that had bound them. Those were burned up in the flames. When we're challenged because of our decision to turn our lives over to God, we can expect God to be there for us, too. Nothing can bind us when God wants us to be free."

WOW! Turning our lives over to God and truly following him brings complete freedom. These fears, doubts and worries that I have are causing me to sink. They have me bound. But when I face the storm or the fire, I can know that God is here to see me safely through. He is here to set me free.

The only things I have to lose are these sinking ships and binding ropes!

So here is to letting go of the sinking ship of fear. To be released from the ropes of doubt and worry. Here is to walking in freedom even if that means walking through the storm and the fire!