our lovely mess: June 2011

Archive for June 2011

Coming To Terms

I have a new normal...yet again.

It seems that my life is FULL of chapters that require me to bend and shift and flex. Adaptation seems to be my story.

Right now, I am in a chapter full of headaches, acne, emotional roller coasters, tense shoulders, and somehow, somewhere deep inside, a sense of peace. What an oxymoron I am. Peace can coexist with headaches and tension? Some how it does with me.

As Robert and I work on ourselves and our marriage, we are discovering so much about our humanity and our spirituality. So much about sin and holiness. About truth and forgiveness.

I've written over the last six months a lot about self discovery and coming to terms with my story. But over the last two months, I have learned more than I ever dreamed possible about who I was and who I am and what my life has been, what it is and what it's becoming.

I was at a women's get together last Friday, and as we were closing in prayer, a woman read the Beatitudes out of The Message Bible.

Matthew 5: 3-10

You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

This passage has played over and over and over in my head the last few days. I am working on my "appetite for God." He truly is the only food and drink that I need. I am working on being content with just who I am - "no more, no less." I am at the end of my rope and I have many losses, but as Jesus said, "with less of you there is more of God" and "only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

I am learning that being whole myself is more important than and must come first over a whole marriage. Robert and I cannot be good together until we are whole as individuals. He should never be my better half. I have to be whole and able to stand on my own two feet without him. And he should be whole and able to stand on his own without me.

Our husbands are not meant to complete us. Only God can complete us. Only God can be our soulmate. Only God can fulfill our needs. Marriage is just a want, a desire. It's not like food, water and air.

This definitely shatters all my fairytale dreams. I always thought it was romantic to view Robert as someone I needed to feel complete. To be able to say "I need you in my life." But I am learning that I don't "need" him.

I need God, and I want Robert.

I am learning to fully need and rely on God and not on my husband. I am learning that my marriage is just a bonus to my life. It's not a requirement or a necessity to be happy.

I do want my marriage. I want my family. I want this added bonus in my life. But I need my priorities straight. I need to be whole in Jesus. I need him to complete my life.

Do Over

Can I get a do-over?

I would go back to October of 2002. I would submit my application to teach english as a second language while working on a Masters in English Education. I would spend two years in China and Thailand teaching and learning. I would then look for a job somewhere that would take me far away from friends and family. I would experience a completely different life. That was my dream.

But I love my family. I can't imagine living life with anyone else. So instead of a complete do-over, maybe I could just go back and know then what I know now. I think my life would have taken a slightly different course or at least things would have been delayed for a bit.

But we don't get do-overs and we don't get to know our futures.

So instead of a do-over, can I just run away? Can I leave life as I know it and do something different? Not forever but maybe for a little while? Like a vacation from life. A lengthy getaway to clear my head. To get away from my responsibilities. I know it sounds selfish, but I would just like to have a good 6 months to a year to just focus on me, myself and I.

I guess I could run away, but ultimately, that would cause more harm than good.

Tamara Lunardo (A Deeper Story) wrote, "life doesn't give you re-writes; it only lets you keep telling the stories you've got and offering fresh pages." So instead of starting over or running away, I will continue living and telling my story even it's not the one that I had dreamed of. I will gladly accept the fresh pages, but this go around, I won't waste so much time crafting that perfect ending. I will take life one paragraph at a time. One day at a time. Maybe even one hour at a time. I will leave that perfect ending, whatever it may be, to the Lord.

It's hard though. Hard to not plan my future. Not to think about what is to come. But at this point, I don't really know what is to come. I really can't even imagine what next month has to offer. I know what I hope for. I have a fuzzy dream about what my future can be. But I've definitely learned not to lean on my hopes and my dreams.

Life is teaching me to only hope in the Lord. He is the only one who truly is faithful. He is faithful by always being present in our lives. He may not be present in the way we want him to be, but he is here with that still small voice offering a peaceful embrace. He may not always rescue us, but he always walks with us.

Over the last two months, I have wept, cried, wailed. I have screamed and trembled. I have been left speechless and breathless. But each time, God has offered love and peace. Comfort and release. Confidence and strength. His arms have wrapped tightly around me. He's surrounded me. Understood me. Accepted me.

With these fresh pages he's given me, I am learning to let go. To fully surrender my pain, my hurt, my confusion, my wants and my needs. I have found peace in even leaving the pages blank for a while. I am beginning to feel the freedom that comes with surrender. Freedom to let God hold the pen. To let him write my story.

PMS. Oh How I Loathe Thee

Can I just get an IV of Midol please? Seriously, to have acetaminophen, caffeine and pyrilamine maleate pumping through my body for the next couple of days would be like a little piece of Heaven right here on earth!

What is it with female hormones that can take an everyday situation and blow it ten times out of proportion? And then the way they can make women react to already big situations is just horrific! I feel like running and hiding so I don't say or do anything that I will later regret.

I feel sorry for myself because I'm the one feeling the cramping and the bloating and the insane emotions, but I feel even sorrier for my family and friends who have to be around me during this time. They are some strong people. :)

Take for instance my kids. They are around me from the time they wake up in the morning until they go to bed at night. When PMS is in the picture, I try to distance myself from them as much as I can. But when they start showing their normal brotherly and sisterly ~~love~~ hate, they try to distance themselves from me.

This morning Huck was playing with play-doh and SG was playing the wii. Huck wanted his sissy to play with him, but she didn't want to. The fighting began. Instead of walking calmly into the living room, getting down on their levels and speaking gently to them, I tore into the living room screaming "EVERYBODY GO TO YOUR ROOM" at the top of my lungs. Granted, I have done that before, but usually only as a last resort and during this particular time of the month.

This was their first offense, and I lit into them. I scared myself, so I know I had to have scared them. Whew! Monster Mom showed up. But I am glad to say that I did change my mind. I think scaring myself calmed me down a bit. I let them keep playing, and I went to take a long shower.

Now we are heading to the store so I can restock my medicine cabinet with that beautiful little blue pill called Midol.

And to all my fellow natural living friends, I have tried natural remedies. But Midol is one of my few indulgences in the world of synthetic meds. It just works better. Sorry to disappoint. :)

Survival Mode

Survival - The act or process of surviving.
Mode - A manner, way, or method of doing or acting.

In survival mode, there is a lot of downtime. Life moves much slower than normal. There needs to be time to process every thought and feeling. There is nothing wrong with this time. It's a necessary part of healing.

But don't confuse survival mode with depression. With depression, there is no processing. Life slows down not to help you deal with your issues but because you don't know how to deal with anything. You just shut down.

Survival mode isn't a shutting down. It's intentional if that makes sense. I know that I am facing a lot of emotions right now, so I have to give myself time to process them. I have to make exceptions to certain rules and schedules and rhythms. My therapist said when my dad passed away, "You are an injured player. This doesn't mean that you are no longer an athlete. It just means that you need time to sit on the bench and heal."

After a few months in therapy and learning skills and tools to combat my depression, I noticed the weight and darkness begin to lift. I was feeling more like myself, but I was scared and unsure of dealing with all of life's issues. I kept asking, "How do I know when it's time to get back in the game?" I was confused, but I figured it out in time. I had to keep trying. There were days when I would get off the bench only and re-injure myself again. I knew then that I wasn't ready. But I fondly remember the days when I could stand and then walk and eventually get back into the game of my life.

I am in survival mode right now. Thankfully, we are finished with school, so my demands are lighter at this point. Our mornings are very slow. There is more screen time than I am normally comfortable with. Beds aren't always getting made. Toys are allowed to be everywhere for longer than normal. Floors need to be vacuumed. Furniture is desperate for a dusting. Dinner is being made, but emotions run HIGH when it's late or doesn't turn out as expected. Our usual rhythm has been thrown out with the trash. I have come up with a new one that I am hoping to implement next week. The kids will have the consistency they need, but all the expectations are realistic for survival mode. Hopefully, I won't feel overwhelmed as much.

Today I may not be able to stand up from the bench, but I think I may be able to stretch a bit. I will not beat myself up if I can't though. My expectations are realistic. I have hope. I am trusting in the Lord. Things are actually looking okay from my spot on the bench. I am learning to be content and patient with this process.

Where I'm At

Last Summer and Fall, I tried to get up every morning and go through a Beth Moore Bible study that I have, but it was a lot of work. Not that digging into the Word of God that deeply is a bad thing, but it was just a bit much for me and the schedule I was keeping. I needed something a little shorter but just as impacting. In December, I found Proverbs 31's Encouragement for Today. It is just the type of devotional that I need. I highly recommend it.

Then, in January, I began reading Ann Voskamp's 1,000 Gifts. She inspired me to begin a gratitude journal. I decided it would not only be a gratitude journal, but it would also become an inspiration/encouragement journal. I don't write anything negative in it. It's only home to thoughts, scriptures, verses and quotes that help lift me up when I encounter a dark place in life.

In December, I also printed off prayer calendars from Inspired to Action. One for my husband, and one for my children. So when the New Year rolled around, I was ready to have a great devotion time every morning to help set the pace for my day. A nice bit of time just for me and Jesus. And because my devotional and prayers were short and to the point, I didn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn to complete them. :)

I've been looking back over the first few pages of my journal. I wrote this quote by Lysa Terkeurst: Sometimes victory seems so far away because we measure it by the end goal. And end goals can seem overwhelmingly huge, daunting and just plain hard to reach. Instead, if we start measuring our victories by the smaller choices we make each day, victory won't seem so impossible. And this one by Ann Voskamp: He chooses our dirty places, our stinking places, the places that shame us, as his point of entry.

These quotes encouraged me with the New Year's resolutions I was setting for myself. They weren't your typical resolutions of losing weight, eating healthier, exercising more, etc. They were more along the lines of improving my relationships with God, my husband and my kids. Just becoming a better person and living a life that is more pleasing to the Lord.

I wrote down that this year my goal would be to learn how to truly trust God. To completely surrender to him. To put my complete hope in him and his ways. I wrote goals down of becoming more supportive, selfless and patient with my family and goals of learning self-control and perseverance.

I even gave this year a few scripture verses to encourage me on my journey. Job 13:15 - God might kill me, but I have no other hope. Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Zephaniah 3:17 - The Lord your God is with you, the mighty Warrior who saves, he will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.

Back in January, I had no idea how important all of the above would become.

A few weeks ago, I referred to some weeds that Robert and I have discovered. Because of them, we have been on quite a journey in the last 6 weeks. There has been a lot of self discovery and a lot of surrender going on. We are realizing just how important it is to put our complete trust and hope in God. To be supportive, selfless, patient and to exhibit perseverance and self-control.

I look back at those prayer calendars and the prayers I've been praying for my family and for myself, and I realize just how faithful God is. I can see his handiwork in everything that has happened. It's been hard. There are times that I feel like God is killing me, but then I remember Job 13:15. I know there is no other place that I can put my hope but in him. His word truly is living and breathing. It speaks truth and brings light into our dark places.

Today, I am so thankful for a God who is true. Who is just. Who is light. A God who knows me. Who loves me. Who accepts me. A God who stays with me. He walks with me. He is the shoulder I can cry on. He is my strength and my encouragement. My hope and my trust is completely in him. How can it not be? I've learned that his ways are the best ways. That if I surrender to his will, then my life will truly work out for good. It's not just some positive quote someone said a long time ago. Romans 8:28 is his promise to me. To you. To us. He is for me and with me, and for that I am so unbelievably thankful!

My gifts counting to 1,000...

156. Nehemiah 9:21
157. sleeping all night
158. mojitos
159. wading pools
160. You Are Beautiful sign
161. powerful messages in a kids' cartoon
162. relinquishing control
163. air conditioning
164. midnight conversations
165. unexpected gifts
166. self-reflection
167. morning devotional time
168. cool mornings
169. reminders of Dad
170. summer
171. spiritual care team
172. garbage day...literally and metaphorically
173. emotional intimacy
174. kindle app
175. smell of yeast
176. kitchenaid
177. writing as therapy
178. kleenex
179. worship music
180. alone time
181. hugs
182. finding toys in odd places
183. cleaning out the corners
184. prayer calendars
185. great neighbors
186. Romans 5
187. relaxing in the Lord's presence
188. joy of the Lord
189. Romans 6
190. God moments

Daddy's Hugs

My daddy has been gone for two years now. I miss him terribly. I miss how funny and loud he was. I miss how sensitive and understanding he was. I miss talking with him and hearing his advice. I miss getting framed pictures of him and his horse, Tejas, in the mail. I miss hearing about how well he was doing in his sport, Cowboy Mounted Shooting. I miss him asking about the kids and him wishing he could put them on a horse.

But today, I have really been missing his hugs. He gave the best hugs. He used to pull me in so tightly that either the buttons on his shirt or the pen in his shirt pocket would leave a mark on my cheek. I never tried to get away though. I would endure that little discomfort for one of his hugs. He would often cry as he hugged me. He would tell me how much he loved me. How proud he was of me. How he hoped all my dreams would come true.

Yesterday, Robert, the kids and I all sat down and looked through my old photo albums. We were looking for pictures of Dad. It was fun showing the kids what he looked like 31 years ago. They loved hearing stories about him. Huck especially loved all the pictures that had horses in them. Dad loved that we chose a cowboy name for his grandson, and he would LOVE that Huck is living up to that cowboy name. We also made my dad's favorite cake, yellow cake with chocolate frosting. We even baked it in a cowboy boot shaped pan. The kids loved that. It's been a hard weekend, but we've had fun remembering him.

I broke down tonight though. I began to feel the weight of my losses. I've felt overwhelmed. I've been desperate for one of Dad's hugs. To be pulled in so tightly. To feel safe. To know he is in my corner. To know he would "fight a circle saw for me."

But all I have are memories now. Good memories though. They are so vivid that I can almost feel his arms pulling me close. And I know this is cliche, but I do feel the arms of God wrapping around me. I know he is the father to the fatherless. I know he can give me that big bear hug I am so desperate for.

I've been singing this song over and over and over that last few weeks. I'm sure I will fall asleep singing it tonight. It's become my mantra.

"God I look to You
I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You
You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom, You know just what to do"