Miscarriage
The following post is a detailed memory of my miscarriage last December. It's graphic, but I feel that it needs to be shared. It's been almost 4 months since it happened, but I cried about that baby again this morning. I am finally taking the advice of another mom who suffered a miscarriage as well. She told me to talk about it. To write about it. To get those ugly details out there. That being open about would help with my healing. I've told family and friends the details, but today I felt I needed to blog it.
After word got out that I had lost my baby, I received numerous emails and phone calls of condolences. I never knew that so many of my friends and family has suffered this loss. My midwife told me that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. She said it's a very common occurrence, but no one likes to talk about it because it's so painful. If it wasn't for other women sharing their memories of miscarriages, I would have never known what to expect in mine. I was so thankful to find detailed accounts of horrific, natural, late-term miscarriages on the internet. I was grateful for friends opening up to me about the physical and emotional pain their miscarriages caused. So here is my story. Hopefully it can help someone too.
After word got out that I had lost my baby, I received numerous emails and phone calls of condolences. I never knew that so many of my friends and family has suffered this loss. My midwife told me that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. She said it's a very common occurrence, but no one likes to talk about it because it's so painful. If it wasn't for other women sharing their memories of miscarriages, I would have never known what to expect in mine. I was so thankful to find detailed accounts of horrific, natural, late-term miscarriages on the internet. I was grateful for friends opening up to me about the physical and emotional pain their miscarriages caused. So here is my story. Hopefully it can help someone too.
Then I hit week 11. It was thursday morning, December 2, 2010. The day before my birthday. I spotted. No big deal I thought. It was barely any blood. Then a few hours later there was some heavier spotting. I called my midwife. She seemed to think it was fine. I had no need to worry unless the blood became heavier. It did. I called her back, and she told me to go to the ultrasound office. Robert came home so he could go with me. By the time he arrived, I knew what was happening. We were ushered into the sonogram room. The sonographer kept the screen turned from me, but Robert could see that there was no movement coming from our baby. They ushered us to a waiting room where my midwife told me that our baby had quit developing around 6 weeks gestation. I was stunned. How could the baby have died at 6 weeks and just now be passing from me at week 11. I had been having morning sickness, fatigue, moodiness, all the symptoms of a pregnancy for 5 weeks with a dead baby.
I was confused, broken, angry, stunned. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Robert and I came home. I had him call my midwife again to get as many details as he could about what I should expect with this miscarriage. She told him that in a few hours I would experience heavy bleeding and contractions. She encouraged me to "deliver" the baby at home (we would not actually see the baby because a baby at 6 weeks gestations is only the size of a lentil). I agreed that I did not want to go to the hospital for a D&C.
So we waited. Our friends brought us dinner, we invited them to stay and eat with us. We thought that if we were just going to sit and wait for this nightmare to happen, we might as well have some friends with us to help the time pass somewhat enjoyably.
Around 9 pm, our friends were getting ready to leave, and I felt the urge to push. I ran to the bathroom, and an incredible amount of blood gushed out of me. I was stunned. I thought that was it. I cleaned up and went back downstairs to say goodbye.
When they left, we put the kids to bed, and I felt another urge to push. I ran back to the bathroom, but this time the blood just kept coming. I started to cry. I didn't know what to do. I was sitting on the toilet with blood flooding out of me. Robert came in after tucking the kids in, and we both cleaned up and wept.
I called a friend and said it was over. I thought that there was no possible way any more blood could come out of my womb. Again, I was wrong. Another urge to push and another lengthy gush of blood.
I decided to go to bed to see if lying down would help any. I chatted on the phone with my cousin for quite a while. The whole time I was on the phone, I could feel the blood coming slowly. I started feeling some contractions, so I got off the phone and headed for the bathroom. Before I could leave my room, the contractions hit so strongly, they knocked me to my knees and the blood gushed like never before.
Robert helped me to the bathroom, and this time we noticed that it wasn't just blood coming out of me. I'm pretty sure Robert caught the placenta in a towel. It was gory. It was horrific. It was painful...physically and emotionally.
This miscarriage had been going on for more than two hours. I had already lost a lot of blood. I was scared and worried. I called my midwife. She said she didn't think it was going to be this bad because the baby had only developed to 6 weeks. But apparently, my womb kept on developing. That must be why the morning sickness and other pregnancy symptoms continued even after the baby died.
My midwife told me that I could go to the hospital for a D&C or I could continue at home. Robert and I got online and searched for late term miscarriages. The stories we found were much like mine, and many of them were even worse.
We decided to stay home. I was planning on having a home birth so why not have a home miscarriage? The contractions and the gushing of blood and tissue continued for another 4 hours. By the time 3 am rolled around, the miscarriage was over. I laid on the floor in agony for another hour. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't walk. I couldn't sit. The pain inside my womb was indescribable. I knew it was empty. There was this deep pain as if my insides had been hollowed out, and all I could do was cry. The pain finally subsided and I fell asleep around 4 am.
The next day Robert had to help me stand in the shower because I was weak from losing so much blood. My midwife prescribed me some iron pills and suggested I eat red meat for dinner. I gradually regained my strength and tried to move on.
We did not name our baby. Maybe because we couldn't decide which gender it was. Maybe because we didn't want to get that close. We just didn't feel it was necessary for us to do so. We did purchase a memento that sits on my dresser as a reminder of this little life that was a part of us for a short time.
Now we are deciding if and when we want to try for another baby. For a while after the miscarriage, I couldn't bring myself to get pregnant again. Now that a few months have passed, I feel that I might be ready. We'll see...
