I am not who you think I am.

I am not who you think I am.

I am who I think you think I am.

This is the way my English 4 teacher wanted me to start my "I Am" poem. She gave me a box and a stack of magazines. I cut out images and words from the magazines and glued them onto and into the box. The box represented my life...who I was on the outside and who I was on the inside. I then wrote a poem using the box as my inspiration.

I have always desired to be real. To be myself even if that made others uncomfortable. With this assignment I decided to completely bare my soul to my Senior English class. I took the beginning lines above and decided to unravel the idea that "I am who I think you think I am." I didn't want my peers to define me. I wanted to be myself, and I wanted them to know who I was.

The original poem is at my mother's home in Louisiana, so I can't share all of it right now...one day I will because it's a good one. But I do remember these two lines...

I want to fly at times, but I am fearful of it.

I feel really small among all you tall trees.

As most teenagers do, I wanted to express myself more than anything. But I never considered myself artistic. I wanted to be. I tried to be. My mom bought sketch pads and pencils, paints and canvases, a piano and lessons, but I was not gifted in those areas at all. So I expressed myself through crazy clothes and even crazier hairstyles. I could be very loud and obnoxious. And I loved my music loud and obnoxious.

I was surrounded by a family of writers and speakers. And like them, I loved writing and I didn't mind speaking, but it was very intimidating to have them read my writing or hear me speak. So my writing was more of a private expression. I shared a few things with my mom and some friends, but I mainly kept it to myself.

While I was in college, I remember getting the "aw-you're-so-weird-you're-cute" and "one-day-you-will-grow-up" looks from my peers and professors. I definitely stood out at the small Bible College I chose to attend. Because of that, I began to tone down a bit. And after college, I started keeping more and more of my self expression to myself. My loud personality, clothing choices and hairstyles became subdued. My overall look became more acceptable to those around me. The line "I am who I think you think I am" became true for me.

It's taken some time, but over the last few years, I've slowly come to realize that it's not who you think I am or even who I think I am that's important. It's who God thinks I am that matters. Just like I wrote in my last post, our lives are just a small part of the Story of God. When we understand who we are in him, we will understand and be comfortable with who we are. 

I am now 31, and I still "feel small" by the "tall trees" that surround me. I am still fearful of spreading my wings. But I am ready to face my fears. I am ready to embrace who I am. I am ready to fully live my life and make the most of it. 

The other night, I went into the bathroom and cut my hair even shorter. Haha! I like it short. Robert likes it short. But I keep thinking that others will think I'm prettier if it's not so short. Ugh...more of the pleasing others mentality. It was so freeing when I pulled out the clippers and started clipping away. Don't think I'm crazy...I cut my hair most of the time because it's too expensive to go to a salon. It was just the idea of cutting it shorter into a style that may not be "pretty" that was so freeing. It feels good to wake up in the morning and look a little quirky. I'm not concerned with impressing others. I'm concerned with being myself.

My friend Amanda wrote a beautiful blog post the other day about her journey. She said, "I've relaxed into life...I've relaxed into me...I've relaxed into HIM." I love that. So here is to realizing who we are in Christ and relaxing into life!

Since it's Monday, I want to share more of my 1,000 gifts. Recognizing these gifts helps me to love my life and to live it fully!

21. Quiet time

22. A God who loves me

23. Story of Gideon...God secures my victory

24. Job 13:15

25. Love and Compassion

26. Homemade bread

27. Homemade tortillas

28. Sunny Days

29. Backyard scavenger hunts

30. My little girl in her hat

31. Chirping Birds

32. Feeling the sun's warmth on my skin

33. Feeling the breeze on my face

34. Goodbye gazes, kisses and embraces

35. Chocolate chip cookies

36. Stretching tired, worn out muscles

37. Talkative kids

38. Kids laughing uncontrollably 

39. Daddy/kids time

40. Family games after dinner