I have always been a very strong woman. A very independent woman. And some people's views of biblical submission have really rubbed me the wrong way. I have never desired to be a doormat, and I can't stand seeing relationships where the wife is one.
Before I married Robert, I studied up on the submission, love and respect between a husband and a wife. I thought that I had a decent grasp on it. I knew Robert would never walk on me. That we would be a team. That we would complement one another. That there would be mutual submission, love and respect between us.
And then about a month ago, I was scrolling through my blog list, and I came across this post by Passionate Homemaking. I read through the list of 12 ways to love your hubby, and I became defensive. I felt the need to defend what I do for Robert as if it's enough. That I didn't need to do anything else. I felt like finding 12 ways husbands can show their wives more love.
And then I realized that I was being selfish. I was sitting there thinking about myself and what I should have and how I should be treated. I was so worried about not being a doormat that I totally missed the point of this blog post...of showing my husband that I love him. Of putting his needs before my own. Of being selfless. I broke down and cried. I realized that being selfless and submissive is not the same as being a doormat. I prayed that the Lord would teach me this difference.
That night, Robert and I had a disagreement. It really boiled down to me being selfish...yet again. I became defensive when he questioned something. I had a "how dare you say I'm wrong" attitude. At some point in the conversation, God, in his very gentle way, reminded me of our little chat on selfishness. I stopped arguing and began listening to what Robert had to say. Then I broke. I cried and apologized for being selfish. For getting so defensive over something so trivial.
The more I apologized the clearer I understood that I have been so caught up in being this strong, independent, don't-tread-on-me woman, that I have lost the desire to be selfless. The desire to put others' needs before my own. To put my husband and children above myself. To trust my husband and his knowledge. To trust that he has our family's best interest at heart. To trust that he can make sound decisions just as much as I can...and in a lot of cases better than I can.
I realized that I am scared to be selfless. Why is that? Why am I so scared to let go of my independence? Of my strength? Not only in my marriage but also in my faith. I know God's ways are perfect. That he really does know what's best for me. So why am I trying to hold on to the reins of my life?
It has been quite a struggle this letting go. But I can say that I went back to that post. I read it again. And I took notes. :) I have really been trying to be better in this life God has given me. Better to my husband and to my kids. Better at being submissive. Obedient. Compassionate. Selfless.
This is all part of my journey in living a full life...
Belle Dezines
I know what you mean, I read this book called "Called to be a Helpmeet" by Debbie Pearl. I was defensive too but as I read on it really made me redefine what submissive means and how important the role of mother and wife are. I still wanted to keep my independence. Anyhow it inspired me and made me realize that church has really defined submissiveness the wrong way and that's what makes us cringe every time someone mentions it. Thanks for the blog...you looked great in the photoshoot by the way!!!
March 15, 2011 at 4:31 PM
Anonymous
This is beautiful, Cheyenne. Thanks for sharing. This post really ministered to me at a time I really needed it. I feel like I've come from the side of 'strong independent wife' to the other extreme of being really needy. The thing that struck me the most was what you said about being selfless. Seems like I could be a lot more selfless than I have been lately. I am still learning that the gospel has to permeate EVERY aspect of my life and that Christ alone can restore the balance I so desperately seek.
--Racquel
March 15, 2011 at 4:58 PM
Rachel Coltharp
Sweet C,
I am stubborn. With a capital S. Not in the in your face way, but the just-hide-n-watch-me way. Determined, resilient, stubborn. Married life has been a looooong learning process for me. I took care of myself from the day I turned 17 and left home. College, bills, work, life...I did just fine on my own, thank you very much, don't need a man to make decisions for me. That was my mindset. I was NOT going to be anybody's second anything.
But then Brent came along. Gentle, wise Brent. Softly he led me, gently he loved me, wisely he took the time to let God show me that submission is NOT the putting down of women. It was his job to model it for me in his submission to Jesus Christ, and in putting my best ahead of his own. Wow. The power of example!!
Even now, almost 18 years later, I find it goes against my nature to make my mission sub to his, but I know now, by experience, that B will make his decisions under the daunting knowledge that he answers to Almighty God for them. This week I'm embroiled in my inner struggle of submitting. I want to do something....really realllllyyyyy badly. He said he just does not have peace about it. Aggghhh. But ok...I yield.
Sorry for writing a book here...your post really hit a nerve for me. Thank you!!
March 15, 2011 at 6:56 PM
Jake and Mandy
This is soo me!! Whenever I hear submission being taught I get defensive - I guess that is hint number one. :) Thanks for this.
March 16, 2011 at 7:28 AM
Christina
Wow. Powerful. I can relate on so many levels. Thanks for being willing to share so that others can learn.
March 16, 2011 at 11:18 AM
Rachelp
Well, you know that God made woman after man and HE deemed woman to be his helpmate..so you know that shows that a man needs help .LOL.... Seriously, thank you for sharing what you are learning.
http://www.inhonoroftheking.blogspot.com/
Rachel
March 16, 2011 at 8:34 PM
Anonymous
I am in full agreement with what the Word says about the husbands role and the wife's role. But there are times this is just not possible... like when the husband has decided to not follow God's Word and is enmeshed in harmful addictions and does not want to take any responsibility for anything: marriage, finances, etc., etc. And the wife has done everything possible for years to make it work: trying to understand, years of counseling, loving him where is at, etc., etc., etc. We speak of love as if it is always us doing the thing and many times what we are really doing is enabling. We have to think "What is in my husband's best interest", "What does Jesus want He and I to do together in my husband's life?" And sometimes bold selfless love is necessary in a way that means cutting off the relationship. And the pain is unbearable...
March 19, 2011 at 4:12 AM
Craig
I clicked over from Ann’s Walking With Him Wednesday link.
And oh to be selfless when ourself is the thing you relied on for so long. That can’t be easy. That you recognized it is wisdom – proof of God. Even me – as a never married person – I have this battle with Our Lord. Guess who’s gonna win it?
This was rally good to read today. Thank you.
May God Bless and Keep you and all of yours this day
March 19, 2011 at 5:20 PM
