Self Discovery

It's been a year and a half since my dad passed away, and in that time I have made a lot of discoveries about myself. I discovered that I'm not as tough as I once thought I was. That a life I am so happy with and so sure of can be turned upside down. That everything I believe strongly in can be put on the back burner or done away with all together.


During those first few months after his death, my therapist had to help me find the life that I once was so happy with. She had to help me figure out how to be tough once again. How to believe strongly in something as I had before. How to be Cheyenne again. It took a while, but I found my way out of that dark hole. The way back to the person that my husband and children knew and loved. The person that I loved.


Before my dad's passing, I was always pretty involved in a local church. Whether it was serving at a soup kitchen, teaching sunday school, attending bible studies...I was always active and ready to be a part of the body of Christ. My type A personality shined in those areas. 

But something shifted in my when he died. I obviously noticed the depression back then. The lack of energy. The anger. The desire to completely shut down. And those are the areas that my therapist and I worked on.


But just recently, I discovered that I have never searched for the person that God loves. The person that he designed me to be. I didn't realize that my desire to be active in my relationship with God had faded. I didn't realize that I had become a sneak-into-the-service-late-leave-early-just-blend-in type of Christian. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I have never been that type of church goer before.

Up until 4 months ago, I wasn't even going to church regularly anymore. If I didn't feel like going, I didn't go. If Robert was out of town, I wouldn't go to church by myself. I was still a believer, but I was not very active in my beliefs.

Then, the other night, our pastor asked me if I was ready to be active in the church and if so, in what area of ministry would I like to be involved in. It really took me off guard. I honestly haven't thought about it in a year and a half.

I mean, yes, the desire for missions has never left me. That desire would be hard to shake with a husband whose day job is with a missionary sending agency and in-laws who are currently serving as missionaries in Africa. But the desire to be involved in ministry on a daily or weekly basis has not really entered my mind. I know that my life is very consumed with my children, homeschooling, and house wife type things, but I also know that there is room in my life for more.

This is something I have started praying about. I used to have a clear definition of the area God wanted me to be active in. But now...I am kind of drawing a blank. Deep parts of me have changed. That type A personality that would lead and teach others has taken a backseat. I don't even know if it's there at all anymore.

So the journey of self discovery continues...

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 11, 2011 at 1/11/2011 05:26:00 PM. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.

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  1. Rachel Coltharp

    Sweet C,
    We all have seasons, times when we are buds, blooms, fruit, seed, sprout, sapling, tree, and back to buds again. I am praying for you as you navigate the seasons in your life.

    We cannot all bear fruit all the time...sometimes we are seeds, waiting for the Son to warm us, call us to life. When he does, we grow, we cannot help it! Praying that the seeds in your heart will bloom & bear fruit.

    January 11, 2011 at 5:40 PM


  2. SoShawna

    Love the honesty. We all face these times whether we want to admit it or not. It's harder to admit it because then you have to actually do something about it, which is hard work! Yay for you & facing the challenge.

    Do you think this is true? "the hardest person you'll ever try to figure out is yourself"

    January 11, 2011 at 5:59 PM


  3. Jake and Mandy

    Good post! I hate & am still hating the self discovery process seems endless & too emotional at times. much love & may we find ourselves once again & again & again. :)

    January 13, 2011 at 11:19 AM


  4. ahaymon

    Thank you for being so honest! I love that you are so open. Openness, a big step on the road to self discovery. Every time I think I have got a grip on who I am, something changes. Life happens, a spiritual challenge comes or I find my self changing subtly, so back to the drawing table and the books and the self-reflection.

    Love your posts, keep writing.

    January 18, 2011 at 2:21 PM


  5. Anonymous

    I can so relate to this post. January was a true month of refelction for me. What am I about? What drives me? Am I really in a REAL relationship with God- and not a fake one that people look at and think you have one. It is a process isn't it? Thanks for your great post. Much love and excited to see what GOD is going to OPEN up for you! Cylinda

    February 7, 2011 at 1:29 PM

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