It's been a year and a half since my dad passed away, and in that time I have made a lot of discoveries about myself. I discovered that I'm not as tough as I once thought I was. That a life I am so happy with and so sure of can be turned upside down. That everything I believe strongly in can be put on the back burner or done away with all together.
During those first few months after his death, my therapist had to help me find the life that I once was so happy with. She had to help me figure out how to be tough once again. How to believe strongly in something as I had before. How to be Cheyenne again. It took a while, but I found my way out of that dark hole. The way back to the person that my husband and children knew and loved. The person that I loved.
But just recently, I discovered that I have never searched for the person that God loves. The person that he designed me to be. I didn't realize that my desire to be active in my relationship with God had faded. I didn't realize that I had become a sneak-into-the-service-late-leave-early-just-blend-in type of Christian. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I have never been that type of church goer before.
Up until 4 months ago, I wasn't even going to church regularly anymore. If I didn't feel like going, I didn't go. If Robert was out of town, I wouldn't go to church by myself. I was still a believer, but I was not very active in my beliefs.
Then, the other night, our pastor asked me if I was ready to be active in the church and if so, in what area of ministry would I like to be involved in. It really took me off guard. I honestly haven't thought about it in a year and a half.
I mean, yes, the desire for missions has never left me. That desire would be hard to shake with a husband whose day job is with a missionary sending agency and in-laws who are currently serving as missionaries in Africa. But the desire to be involved in ministry on a daily or weekly basis has not really entered my mind. I know that my life is very consumed with my children, homeschooling, and house wife type things, but I also know that there is room in my life for more.
This is something I have started praying about. I used to have a clear definition of the area God wanted me to be active in. But now...I am kind of drawing a blank. Deep parts of me have changed. That type A personality that would lead and teach others has taken a backseat. I don't even know if it's there at all anymore.
So the journey of self discovery continues...