Disclaimer: long and scattered post. :)
Seven weeks ago, the morning sickness kicked in, so I altered our homeschooling curriculum to the bare necessities. Our laundry started getting done only once a week...and Robert usually was the one to do it. I quit running and regularly cleaning our house. Seven weeks ago, change came to the Johnson household.
I think "the mess" I referred to when I started this blog has reared a bit of her ugly head.
I gained 3 lbs during my marathon training. Obviously, I carbed up a little too much. :) Then I gained about 3 lbs during the pregnancy. And I've put on about 2 lbs since the miscarriage.
8 lbs total!
I only have two pairs of pants that fit me! The weight gain was fine when I was thinking about getting the maternity clothes out of the attic. But now I cringe whenever I look in the mirror. Maybe this is another reason why most women get pregnant again so soon after a miscarriage.
But really? I mean, I had 5 weeks of mushy, pregnant brain. Constant queasiness with some vomiting. Mood swings. Extreme exhaustion. Food cravings. Weight gain. After dealing with all of that and then a horrible miscarriage, do I really want to jump right back into having those symptoms again? Whew...I just can't.
So, I have to get my life back together. I need to deep clean my house. Do laundry three times a week. Cook dinner rather than eat out. Water my pretty plants. Lose 8 lbs.
I am so glad that winter break is here so homeschooling is off my list for a couple of weeks. I will deal with adding back to the curriculum in January.
But each time I go to do these things, I am reminded of that horrible night. Every morning when I wake up without a queasy stomach, I am reminded. Every time I take out the trash and the smell doesn't drive me to the bathroom, I am reminded. When I realize that it really doesn't matter to me what type of food we eat, I am reminded.
Reminded that just two weeks ago, I thought I had a healthy baby in my womb. Then the memories of the miscarriage come flooding to my head. It's almost like being in a horrible nightmare without waking up.
Then at times I think did I really go through that? Did all of that really come out of me? Was I really in that much pain?
Then other questions come...What else am I going to have to face in my life? I've experienced growing up with divorced parents and step-families. I've moved almost as many times as a military family. I know what it's like to have a parent arrested for drugs (this was years ago...all is well now). My brother and cousin died while I was in highschool. My father and grandmother died in the last year and a half. I was in a wheelchair and then on crutches for a while after my brother's death (we were in a car accident). My husband had an issue with porn (he's blogged about it here). I had a unexpected and unwanted pregnancy (my firstborn...whom I love and cherish dearly now). And now I've experienced a miscarriage.
What else? Because I am sure there will be more.
Robert has been in Nepal for 5 days now. He won't be home for another 6 days. I don't know how many times in the last 5 days that I have expected to get a heartbreaking phone call that he's been in a car wreck or plane crash. Fear can a terrible thing.
But I do know that God is with me. That he will help me sort out my mess. That he won't let me go through hard times alone.
I think that is the one difference between where I am now and where I was after my dad passed. The hole I experienced then was so deep that it consumed me completely. I couldn't see nor did I really want to see God's light shining so brightly. I wasn't angry with God (I worked through that after my brother's death). I was just disappointed in him. It took me over a year to fully trust him again.
Now just 2 months after fully trusting him again, he allows me to miscarry. But you know what? I'm not disappointed in him. I still trust him. I think this is the first hard knock in my life that I have been able to say that.
My husband sat at the piano the day after the miscarriage and played the song "Healer" by Hillsong. It is my heart's cry right now. It feels good to say that. To know that after a life full of great times and some really dark times, that I can finally say and truly believe that God holds my world in his hands. That I trust him. No matter what.