My life wasn’t always this messy. This time last year things were going fairly well. We were getting settled into our new house, we were adjusting to having two children and we had decided on a new church home. A day in our life went something like this:

Breakfast

Gym

Snack

Homeschool

Lunch

Own self time (we spend this time doing things by ourselves)

Snack

Art time

Dinner

Bed

The most important thing about the above schedule was that it was not set in stone. There was always room for adjustments. And this worked for us for a while.

Then I got the phone call that started a lot of my mess. I learned that my dad had passed away. This was a complete shock. A tragedy. The first month following his death went as expected. We made funeral arrangements, grieved with family and stayed surrounded with loved ones. During month number two, my little family settled back into our Illinois home, and I tried to settle back into our normal routine. Month number three rolled around and everything came undone! I sorted through my dad’s belongings, picked out his headstone, and wrote the first check from his life insurance, which was probably the hardest of the three. Each time I signed my name on a check, I felt a little more of him slipping away.

I crashed.

We decided Shiloh-Grace was better off in a school rather than learning at home, which went against my ideals of education. But we knew that I was in no state to teach her what she needed to learn at that point.

Homeschooling wasn’t the only change. I quit going to the gym. I quit doing arts and crafts with the kids. I quite cleaning my house, doing laundry, cooking dinner. I quit life.

We found a great therapist for me to talk to. And she helped me in ways I cannot describe. She explained that depression is a type of imbalance in my brain. The emptiness is really a hole in my identity. I put all of my energy into trying to explain and understand the hole. So any energy I normally applied to my faith, motherhood, housekeeping, homeschooling, etc was now applied to this hole. I finally found my way by regaining my trust in God and constantly telling myself that going to church is who I am, that spending time with my kids is who I am and that being swallowed up by depression is NOT who I am.

I may be out of that hole, but I am still learning to be the Cheyenne I once was. I understand that this tragedy has forever changed some things about me, but I am not convinced that my dad’s passing has forever taken away the joy my family brought me, or the strong beliefs I had on certain issues. I am determined to find my way back to the old me. The Cheyenne who worked hard at following the above schedule. The Cheyenne that my husband and children know and love. The Cheyenne who loves laughing with my family. The Cheyenne that is so passionate about Christ and living a life pleasing to him. She is still in here somewhere, and slowly but surely she is emerging.

I started this blog to write these things out. I seem to reflect on my life better when I write everything down and read it back to myself.

I'm not striving for perfection. In fact, I don't want to be perfect. Character is added by that one little knick in the side of the picture frame or the discoloration from years of weather exposure. I have found some beautiful things while sorting through our mess. We have found a stronger sense of love for family, relationships, and special moments in each day. We have found a new strength in those around us. And we have found greater acceptance with each other and the lovely mess that our kids provide.

We'll have a lot more to share, so stay tuned...